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Att vara en kropp

22 mars, 2010

Från gammal blogg om viktnedgång. Blir nästan extra roligt när det kommer efter de senaste dagarnas aktivitet.

I had a sort of non-realization yesterday. (In that I formulated it to myself and had a semi-aha moment, but I think it’s something I’ve been pondering subconsciously for a while.)

One of the things I’ve been hoping, half-consciously, will come from this weight loss, is not to feel hot, or feel that others think I’m hot, but that I will experience my body as a non-entity.

What that means to me is not being semi-constantly aware of my body as it relates to people around me. Not searching for reflective surfaces to see if I look OK from a purely fleshly perspective. Not wondering what people are thinking — if they’re judging my chubby arms, if they’re evaluating exactly how wide my ass is, if they’re thinking I really shouldn’t have gone out in clothes that reveal my shape. And this is maybe half my inner worry and paranoia, half skewed perception of reality, and a quarter or a fifth actual people judging me. (I know that’s more than 1/1, but I do have a very wide ass.)

The problem, of course, is that this is not possible.

We are all socialized to evaluate and judge, to examine, women’s bodies — to see woman as body. If they are not (or I don’t think they are) examining me as Fat Woman, they will still be examining me as Woman. And, accordingly, if I am not worried about if I have visible folds on my back, I will worry about my (smaller?) ass looks in a particular pair of pants, or if my big feet make me look like an ambulatory L. And, perhaps, I will be viewed instead as a woman-as-sexual-being. Still evaluated and looked-upon. (We can’t escape our to-be-looked-at-ness. And I, it would seem, cannot escape my academic side.)

I wrote before about trying to align fat-positive and feminist with intentionally losing weight. Something I didn’t include then was the idea of subversivity. As a fat woman, whether you like it or not, you are a subversive statement. You, your body, imply that there are alternatives to the norms and standards that society holds for the female form.

And I liked that. I liked serving/acting as a subtle reminder — even if people didn’t think of me as an alternative, but as a deviation, a perversion, or even a tragic tale of caution, even if I didn’t actively force people to question and change their perceptions, I was an inescapable Other. There was a certain pleasure in, solely by accepting and being happy with myself, giving a big middle finger to the patriarchal and capitalist system that tried to Hold Me Down, man. (It’s possible that I was scarier to fit and fat-paranoid women than someone more obese, because I was an example of what could happen if you just Let Yourself Go a little. Hm. I will think on this particular idea some more.)

I’m still, and probably will be even at goal weight, a subversive form, at least with my clothes on. I dress to feel like I look good, sure, but my aesthetic tends to deviate from the idea of feminine dress. This is largely because I am a very comfort-centric person. In addition, I am built big — even at goal, I will never be slender or willowy. I have broad shoulders. My goal is a fit and muscled one. I have tattoos, which are often visible in warm-ish weather or indoor settings. But if I am closer to the imagined ideal, I gain some acceptance and become Woman as Woman-Body, a more sexy and sexual being, subversive or no.

I think it was when I was reading through the archives at Every Woman Has an Eating Disorder that I came upon the question of when you were last unaware of your body. Maybe that’s what sparked this thinking. I will never have the luxury (again?) of experiencing my body as a non-entity.

I am a woman, I will never be ”just” a person.

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4 kommentarer leave one →
  1. Karin permalänk
    22 mars, 2010 11:11 f m

    Åh, så bra. Exakt såna tankar har jag gått och grunnat på, utan att kunna sätta ord på dom. Tack! Att slippa förhålla sig till sin kropp HELA TIDEN, i bakhuvudet allt som oftast ha tankar om vad det är jag har på mig, vilken vinkel som är mest smickrande osv osv, och massa annat sånt tröttsamt som jag inte vill erkänna att jag dras med. Även om jag inte följer tankarna, utan utåt sett har på mig även sånt som inte är helt smickrande/sitter hur jag vill/whatever, så kan ändå tankarna finnas där. Jobbar på att minska dom!

    Jag blir nyfiken på hur du tänker kring detta nu? Om din kropp numera är mer av en ‘non-entity’?

    • 22 mars, 2010 12:45 e m

      Det är nog lite både och. Som jag skrivit om tidigare var det problematiskt när jag gick ner i vikt för jag började se kroppen som ett Projekt, såg alla saker jag kunde/borde förbättra.

      Jag tror som sagt att det är omöjligt att bli en non-entity, men man kan bli mer sams med kroppen och känna att man är en enhet-helhet. Så man inte tänker så mycket på den jämt.

  2. 22 mars, 2010 11:38 f m

    Bra att höra liknande tankar jag själv går med från andra. Jag har en vän som jag glömmer bort min kropp helt när jag umgås med, och det är helt fantastiskt att förlora all självmedvetenhet på det sättet. Jag vaknar, kan lägga min energi och mitt fokus på bättre saker. Jag skulle vilja känna så alltid. Att jag inte är en kropp som ska bedömas. Att jag bara är jag, mitt intellekt.

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